The Sketch From That Day
by Suna Kurai
Summary: The sketch from that day held the most precious emotions of my youth. It was the time I fell in love & I've been hurting. It was the time when I worried & when I laughed. It was not like now, that I feel restrained. It was not like now that I've gone numb. The sketch from that day was a reminder of my pure love for the ugly woman known as Haruno Sakura & will be so until my demise.


At this very moment, I'm only drawing. I'm drawing and drawing. All the emotions I've suppressed for so long have finally surfaced. They have surfaced but I cannot let them show. I cannot let my lips mouth them. I cannot let them stay. I must let them go. I must return to the hollow shell I once was because these emotions are emotions I should not have in the first place. These emotions were supposed to have died within me a long time ago. These emotions will never be reciprocated.

That's why I'm here. I am simply enjoying the wind, the silence, the tranquility of my surroundings because I was everything but tranquil. This was the only way I knew how to let these emotions out. My hands were quivering as the brush ripped through the paper. I did not care anymore. I was simply drawing how I felt.

It's a funny thing, really. I used to draw so many things without feeling. This is the first time I've actually tried putting all my emotions into something I'm drawing. Then again, it wouldn't have been a surprise either.

"Yo Sai," I froze. My whole body stiffened. I suddenly felt self conscious and my eyes frantically began studying my sketchbook, judging the picture I've been blindly scribbling this whole time. It was a strange sensation, how I felt whenever she would come near me. This is the first time since the war ended that she decided to talk to me alone. "You're drawing again? Can I see?"

By reflex, I immediately shut the sketchbook and hid it underneath my legs. I did not expect her not to see the book but she did not press the matter any further.

She simply sat next to me and watched the river current flow.

I watched her from the corner of my eye. She was supposed to be ugly and she was but she wasn't ugly today. There were times when she wasn't ugly. I could count them. They were only a few. She had this small smile lingering on her lips. She must be happy. Who wouldn't be when peace has been restored?

Still, her happiness must have something to do with Uchiha Sasuke.

There was silence. She idly drew circles on the ground with her fingers and I stared. The silence was both comforting and unnerving. I enjoyed it but there was also this tension. I did not know if it was only me or if she felt it too.

"I haven't had a chance to talk to you like this since the war ended, at least say something," she whined looking rather annoyed but I knew it was how some women showed their concern for people. She sighed, obviously feeling defeated. Then she looked at me with a rather concerned expression.

"From being annoyed to being concerned. I've learned a lot from books, ugly," I said. I couldn't help but smile as I saw her gentle demeanor crumble into the more violent one I was used to, the one that was genuinely ugly.

"Why you—" her fist stopped halfway through, though, because I was now suppressing something else. It was something different from the heavier feeling that I was suppressing earlier. I was suppressing laughter and slowly it became too hard to suppress that I simply couldn't help it.

I lay on my back with my legs still crossed and effectively hiding my sketchbook. There, I just laughed. I did not laugh too loud. It was just a laugh to show that I was happy I was alive. I was happy that another moment like this finally came. The war had a lot of uncertainties, after all.

I was laughing because I nearly forgot how this felt, tranquility destroyed by a crude remark and the iron fist brought upon me. It was something only Haruno Sakura and I shared. I couldn't ask for anything more.

* * *

><p>The sketch from that day was unfinished. It is still unfinished. It will remain unfinished until these feelings die, until they've all been let out, until I don't feel the need to put them into words anymore.<p>

I roam around the village in my free time. I was getting hungry so I decided to stop by a familiar ramen place that I've been frequenting only recently since I've met the members of Team Seven. The ramen was absolutely delicious. It was something I'd definitely agree with Naruto on.

I ordered the same ramen I always do. I waited the same waiting time. The old man gave me my order. I smiled, thanked him and began to eat. There have been fewer missions lately. It was nice. I could use the rest.

Then, a familiar person sat next to me. I've met her before. I'm very sure I knew who she was but I simply did not remember her name.

That is why I ignored her and continued to enjoy my meal.

"H-hey Sai," she said. I knew her. I'm just not sure what they called her. What was it again?

"I do believe you remember me, right?"

"Yes, I do remember you," I replied frankly, "But I don't remember your name and I know it would be rude to tell that to someone you've met before directly. I've read that once in a book and Sakura told me that a few times too. However, I see no other way fit to deal with the dilemma I am in."

"Yamanaka Ino," she smiled, "Remember that next time, alright?"

The noodles have been gone for awhile now. I drank the soup from my bowl before replying. "I will, beautiful miss."

I smiled my fake smile. I remember now that she was who I called beautiful. Still, she was uglier than Sakura but I could not call her ugly because we were not in a relationship close enough to insult each other. Besides, I wouldn't want every woman to come for my head after I call them ugly which is why I only tell the truth to Sakura.

I stood from my seat and left the store.

* * *

><p>The sketch from that day had a few lines and scribbles added to it but it would not suffice, not yet. I still feel the words building up in my vocal cords forcing themselves out. I am not weak. I will not give in.<p>

She asked me to accompany her to the village gates today. She was to meet with Kakashi-san and Naruto at 9 a.m. to welcome Uchiha Sasuke back to the village. Both were running late. I came only because Sakura forced me to.

"I still don't trust him," I said, "But I should at least give him my thanks for saving the world with Naruto."

"I don't expect you to trust him, much less forgive him," she replied, "I just want you to stay here with us as a member of Team Seven."

* * *

><p>The sketch from that day was slowly gaining life little by little. I would not stop until all my feelings have been released. I will not stop until I am able to break free.<p>

It has been awhile since Uchiha Sasuke and Haruno Sakura got together officially. He left a week after he returned. I put on my fake smile like I usually did and he did not suspect a thing. He was not even remotely interested in me which made it all the more easier.

Still, Naruto has noticed. It was inevitable, really, for him to notice these kinds of things. He came to talk to me about it once. He asked me what was wrong. He told me he knew how I was troubled. He knew it was something that's been bothering me for awhile now, since Sasuke returned, actually since the war.

He reassured me that I will always have a special place in Team Seven, that they never thought of me as a replacement for Sasuke, that his and Sakura's feelings for me run much deeper than the bonds of a replacement.

"I feel detached." I told him bluntly. It was not, however, the entire truth of it all. "That is all."

Naruto held his concerned expression. "Sai, we both know it's more than that so speak up. If you don't want me to tell anyone, I won't. You have to let this out."

"I just told you, didn't I?" I smiled, "There's nothing else to be concerned about. I can get over it."

Naruto's expression hardened. "Fine… I already know what's going on in your head, anyway." He said, "I just wanted you tell me directly. Talking about it makes you feel better, you know. In the end, though, if you don't do anything about it, you'll live with this loneliness for the rest of your life."

His stern expression bore into my soul. In the end, my smile faltered and I broke down. I did not shed tears. A pitiful confession escaped my lips.

"I love her."

* * *

><p>The sketch from that day, while it had life, lacked something still. My feelings, even though I've admitted them to someone other than myself, it was still not enough. It was still not enough to let go. I refused to talk about it anymore. No one else should know. No one else should ever know.<p>

After a delivery mission, I was greeted by a familiar blonde.

"Sai," she smiled, "Do you remember me?"

I nodded and then I said, "You are Yamanaka Ino, Haruno Sakura's best friend and former love rival, teammates with Naara Shikamaru and Akimichi Chouji." She blushed a little and smiled rather flirtatiously. "So I see you did your research."

She was rather annoying, if I do say so myself. She would be fine if she did not try to flirt with me every so often.

"I simply thought it would be rude not to remember you again." I said, "Now if you will excuse me, I have a report to turn in. See you around."

I left her behind. I did not care how dejected she looked when I left her. As long as I kept this emotionless façade, my insensitive actions would be excusable, even justified. After all, I wanted to hurt her on purpose so she would stop pestering me.

Then again, that woman doesn't seem to be the type to give up easily.

* * *

><p>The sketch from that day, I continued to work on. It was still far from being finished. I still had a long way to go.<p>

I sat on a bench on a nice night and I was simply watching moths gather around a light. They were attracted to it. They could not move away but they will never ever reach it. Even if they did, they'd be burned.

When you reach for something ugly, you're bound to get ugly results. It was taking its toll on me for the past few weeks. She and I were getting closer yet farther away. I understood more about emotions but the more I understood, the more I wished I did not. It made me question the world's laws. Why the sky was blue, why gravity kept us on this earth walking upright, why I had my back slumped against a bench with an empty packet of frozen juice on my mouth.

I closed my eyes. I couldn't watch the light turn the moths into fools over and over again. They reminded me of myself and I hated it. I hated it so much.

"You're still up, huh?" I opened my eyes to see hers staring directly at me. I did not move. Haruno Sakura, my light, my flame, what I desire but what will be the end of me if I come any closer.

Still, it was rare to have her in close proximity without her murderous intent present. Her face was only mere inches away and I was secretly enjoying the moment despite my exterior being in its usual emotionless state. I actually disgust myself.

"I couldn't sleep." A simple lie was enough. She knew I was lying but she knew I did not want to talk about it either. She did not press the matter any further.

Instead, she changed the topic. "Sai, can I ask you something?" she said.

"Whatever you like," I replied.

"Do you really think Ino is beautiful?"

* * *

><p>The sketch from that day looked like it was finished yet it was not. Even so, I hid it even further away today because I did not want my feelings to get in the way of her happiness.<p>

The bells rang and shinobi we knew gathered around. It was a small ceremony, a small celebration. I did not want to get up from bed. I did not want to drag myself all the way to the sound of people rejoicing and the louder sound of my heart shattering. Still, I must keep together. I must stand up and not worry them, Naruto and Sakura both.

This is why I am in a black and white suit since the occasion was formal. This is why I am walking the streets of Konoha while trying to pin a cherry blossom to my coat. This is why I haven't slept for days and I looked rugged as I lazily trudged towards the venue. I did not want to see her union with Uchiha Sasuke but I wanted to see her smile.

I was actually pretty early. I was early enough to pass by Sakura's house and still see her in her wedding dress with Hyuga Hinata who was also in a dress. I liked Hyuga Hinata, especially when she and Naruto interact. She cares for him so much. He deserves one as good as her.

I tried my best not to let them notice me. Still, it wouldn't have surprised me really, if she would call out my name.

She did just that and I had no choice but to turn to her direction.

She smiled. "Hey Sai."

I decided to give up on the cherry blossom I was trying to pin. I gave her a nonchalant look and said, "Oh, hey ugly."

I see she got aggravated but she withdrew today. I know why. She can't afford getting the beautiful white dress get dirty. It was asking for too much, really, to want her to pay attention to me today. After all, today was meant to be her day. Today was meant to be hers and Uchiha Sasuke's.

"I'll let that one go today, Sai." She said still visibly annoyed. Then she turned to the Hyuga. "Hinata, you go on ahead. Naruto's waiting."

"I-is it really okay? I was supposed to—"

Sakura smiled. "Don't worry about it! This guy will escort me!" She hooked her arm around mine and I stiffened at the contact. Still, it was not enough for her to notice.

"Are you really sure, Sakura-san?" the beautiful Hyuga said. I realized I had a thing for ugly women. Hyuga Hinata was indeed the ideal lady for any man but I would rather have the ugly one clinging to me. I would trade all the kind and gentle women for this violent one here, this strong willed ugly one right here.

"Yeah! It's all right!" she replied.

The white-eyed woman smiled. "We'll be waiting then," she said then turned to me, "Take care of our lovely bride." She left.

Sakura unhooked her arm from mine which made me inwardly sigh in relief but also in disappointment. I really do disgust myself.

Then, she took the cherry blossom from my hand and muttered while smirking, "Sheesh, you really are hopeless, aren't you?" Then she pinned the cherry blossom to my coat. "There." She let go and looked up at me now smiling. "Seriously, Sai, you're just like Naruto and Sasuke. You always need someone to straighten you out. Naruto has Hinata but I won't always be there to straighten you out anymore after today, you should remember that."

I simply stared emotionlessly at her. "If you only knew how hopeless I really am," I muttered barely audible, "You wouldn't compare me to Sasuke." I turned, shoved my hands in my pockets and began walking. I did not look to see her reaction to what I just said. She doesn't seem to be saying anything, though I can feel her following me.

Maybe she didn't understand what I said. We walked in silence, neither daring to break it. She was probably too happy today that she decided not to bother me. She probably thought I found her annoying sometimes. That's a funny possibility.

"Thanks, by the way," I said, "For the pin, I mean, I had a hard time."

"No problem," she smiled, "now, be a proper escort,"

I felt her arm hooking itself around mine again. "It won't be so bad to play a little before Sasuke and I get married, right?" she winked, "Besides, you're one of my favorite guys despite all the ugly."

"I do not understand what you mean."

She giggled. "Just walk me to my wedding."

* * *

><p>The sketch from that day, I nearly tore to pieces. It was heart wrenching. I felt like this was the most stupid thing I've ever done in my life.<p>

"Sai, give her a chance," said Sakura, "She's my best friend, you know. Who knows? You might even find that you like her."

I don't, actually. I like her, yes, as a shinobi, as a companion. I may even consider her a friend of some sort but I did not love her. I did not love Yamanaka Ino.

"Ino," I called out.

The blonde turned around and she looked rather surprised.

"Fine, I'll give you a chance."

* * *

><p>The sketch from that day, I hid far away. I hid it so I would not be tempted to back down. Today is one of the days I will never be able to undo. It's not like I had a choice anymore, though. Well, the truth of the matter was, I did.<p>

Why did I do this, then?

It was over. My last chance to run away had gone just a few hours ago. I was permanently tied to a woman I did not want to be tied to for the rest of my life. Everyone was in merriment at the reception. It was amazing that I looked convincing enough. Maybe all that experience with my fake smile finally pulled off.

Still, I need a break. I made an excuse that I wanted to go outside for awhile to talk to the older men and ask them for advice. I did not, however, talk to any older men. I simply stared out into the distance on a balcony one floor down the reception room and held a half empty bottle of champagne in my hand. I drank from the bottle itself. I did not care about my manners. No one else was watching.

I leaned on the railing and sighed. "Honestly, maybe I should've run away when I had the chance."

I sloppily drank from the champagne bottle and continued to stare at the full moon. "I wonder how the sage felt when he sealed you up there. He probably didn't want to. After all, he loved you, didn't he?"

"What are you doing here? The guys are looking for you," a familiar voice snapped me out of my reverie. I immediately turned around and my suspicions were confirmed.

"Oh, Ug—I mean, Sakura." I was in no position to call her ugly anymore, I told myself that. She belonged to someone else now. She wasn't free anymore and that nickname made me feel most attached to her. We were both tied to different people. We had but one difference, she was happy. I was not.

She visibly twitched at my remark. "Good thing you stopped yourself or else I don't care if were your wedding, I'd beat you to a pulp."

"Oh please do. I dare you."

She sighed. "Sai, you're drunk."

"I guess I am."

She took the champagne from my hands and I showed no sign of resistance. After all, it's not like I was addicted to it or anything. Then she smiled, "Congratulations!"

I merely nodded.

She pouted. "You don't look too happy. You just got married! You should show at least more enthusiasm."

I nodded again.

She sighed again. "Honestly, you really are hopeless."

"Yes, I am."

She giggled at what I said.

"What's so funny?"

"Nothing, I guess." She smiled a tender genuine smile at me. "Hey Sai, come a little closer." At this, I did as I was told. I was surprised at the next occurrence. She wrapped her arms around me and I was at a loss for both movement and words. My eyes were wide in shock and delight.

"Thank you for everything, Sai," she said. "You deserve all the happiness in the world so please smile a genuine smile."

I felt myself trembling now, at both the contact and the sincerity of the moment. I was holding back tears that threatened to spill from my eyes. I wasn't sure if it was the gravity of her words or if was the champagne that made me like this. Still, I felt my arms wrap around her too and I shook even more.

Finally, the tears fell. I did not want this. I did not want any of this. What I wanted was moments like these. I wanted moments only Haruno Sakura and I shared. I wanted these unique moments and I wanted them for eternity. I buried my face in her shoulder and still gripped her tightly as I cried.

"S-sai, w-what's wrong?" She sounded very concerned. "Did I say anything wrong? I'm sorry if I—"

"N-no… I'm just happy. I get to have friends like you guys and y-you guys appreciate me the same way I appreciate you," I said. I probably sounded disgusting but it was a good thing I wasn't the wailing type. "I managed to marry a nice girl and I saw you all celebrating my happiness with me. I c-couldn't ask for anything more, really. Your smiles are enough and I don't know, I'm j-just so happy."

I realized I was getting better at lying.

I'm sure I felt her lips curl up into a smile as she rubbed my back. "I'm happy too, Sai. I'm happy that you're happy. You deserve it after all."

It was nice, having her against me. I could smell her scent that was a mixture of the flower she was named after, cake and alcohol. Her hands that she usually used to destroy me were now gently caressing me and making me fall deeper into this rut. It was ironic how she could use those same hands to hurt and heal at the same time. Right now, I wasn't sure if I was hurting or healing anymore.

_Though, happy?_ _How pathetic am I?_

I'm not happy. I get to have friends like you guys, I get to meet you, ugly. I fall in love with you, ugly but you're just too hard to reach. You're too close yet too far. I appreciate you. I adore you so much. You appreciate me too but you will never return my affection.

I'm happy. I get to make her smile. I get to make her laugh. I get to spend time with her like this. We still share moments only _we_ can share despite all that's happened.

But even those things can be so fleeting.

She pulled away and I restrained myself from pressing her against me again. She smiled, one of the most heartbreaking smiles I've ever seen. She really _was_ happy after all. She was happy for me, for my wife, for everyone, but I _wasn't_ and nobody knows this.

Still, a gesture she usually only gave to her close friends, she gave me at this very moment. She kissed me on my cheek and if my cheeks weren't already flushed from being drunk, they'd have done just that. Then she gave me a wink. "You may wanna take her home now~!" she said rather suggestively while playfully tugging on my sleeve. "Give her a wonderful _experience_ tonight."

I realized what she was talking about. This comes with marriage, doesn't it?

I don't want to do it, though, but I guess I have no choice, now do I? This was my fault, after all. It was my fault I got into this and now, as I watch her drag me along behind her, I could feel myself screaming inside.

I did not want to go back. I wanted to run away.

Still, as she opened the door and called out that she brought the groom back, everyone rejoiced. I was back in the world I did not want to be in.

* * *

><p>The sketch from that day remained where it was as I laid the woman in my hands down on soft sheets. What was I supposed to do now? I turned away from her. How was I supposed to begin? Do I really have to do this?<p>

Then, she tugged on my sleeve from her lying position. I turned to face her and I realized her clothes were already loosened. _This… I did not want to do this with her._

"What's taking so long, Sai?" she said seductively as she caressed parts of my body I did not want her to. I flinched and this made her giggle. "You know, _I_ should be the one who's nervous, not _you_."

"W-well, I…" I wasn't nervous. I just didn't want to do it.

"You know what?" she rose to a sitting position. Then, she started undressing me. This would be the best way, wouldn't it? I should probably just let her take control.

And she did.

After removing the clothes covering my torso, she _completely _undresses herself. I simply stared blankly. She smiled as she got closer to my face. _"Shall we begin, Sai?"_

* * *

><p>The sketch from that day, I have nearly forgotten.<p>

Maybe it was the sight of the child in my arms or seeing the child grow into a fine boy, I do not know what it was, exactly. My mind was at ease. Despite not wanting anything more to do with my wife than control her temper, this thing I was a part of giving life to truly brings me joy.

I would not say that he was not created out of love. I did not love my wife, yes, but in some twisted way, I married her because of my love. I married her because the woman I loved wanted her to be happy. I can say that this child is the product of my actions and my love for the woman named Haruno Sakura.

"Tou-chan~! Teach me how to draw!" Inojin held up one of my scrolls and a paintbrush. He looked at me expectantly and I smiled.

I took the scroll and the brush from his hands and asked, "What do you want to draw?"

My son smiled and pointed towards something far away. I could not distinguish what it was that he was pointing at. "Inojin, I don't quite understand," I smiled apologetically.

"I want to draw those pretty pink trees~!"

This caught me off guard. The child seemed dazed. He looked as if he was in this state of dream. I couldn't blame him, though, for I was once and is still constantly caught captive by the shades of pink of the cherry blossoms falling from the trees during spring.

"They're called _Sakura_, you know." I told him.

"You mean like aunt—"

"Yes, exactly like her."

"I don't know if I like her or not. She's really nice but she can't cook."

I stifled a laugh then ruffled my son's hair, it was true. Still, the topic was starting to make me feel somewhat uneasy so I decided to change the topic, to revert it back to what we were talking about when he handed me my painting supplies. "Well then, let's look for a nice spot with an amazing view of those trees and start drawing."

* * *

><p>The sketch from that day, I retrieved from its hiding place. I did not know what came over me but I felt like staring at it and I realized that it was not beautiful as I once thought it was. Maybe it was because it has been so many years since I last touched it.<p>

The paper is crumpled, has fold marks and yellowed. It is slightly torn and the sketch was crudely drawn. I could probably say this about my sketch because I compared to the other new artworks I've made. I have improved quite a lot.

Still, I could not find the will to destroy the sketch. I could not find the will to throw it away despite the fact that I decided to make a new one.

In the end, I folded the piece of paper with all my feelings, neatly inserted it into my left pant pocket and left my home to get some fresh air. I went for a walk since Ino was still fetching Inojin from school. They would probably get sidetracked along the way so they won't be home for another few hours or so considering that it's also a Friday.

And as I made a sharp turn to a familiar neighborhood, I saw her sitting on a bench, her eyes brimming with tears.

_Uchiha Sarada_.

It was the product of Uchiha Sasuke and Haruno Sakura's love. I cringe at the thought of Sasuke _ever_ really loving Sakura. He is rarely in the village anyway, much less home.

Still, the child was all alone. I had to do _something._ I'm not entirely sure why she followed me back home and decided to stay there for awhile after I came to her and gave her a painted flower infused with my ninjutsu. When I asked her what was wrong, she would only say one thing.

"_Uchiha Sasuke,"_

She would not elaborate, though. When I asked her if he hurts her mother or her in any way physically or psychologically, she shakes her head and simply says, _"No, it's nothing. He just sucks at being a father_."

And honestly, I wouldn't blame him. Uchiha Sasuke was never the perfect father material anyway.

And as I turn out the lights in my room and Ino's room, I watch Ino hug her tightly in the dark while whispering that no matter what he was still her father and that he loves her. I really do hope he _does_. As I close the door and lie on the sofa to sleep, I half-dream about what could have happened if I were the one Sakura married and not Sasuke.

I would certainly not treat our child like this.

Still, what is in the past cannot be undone. All one can do is make the best out of the future. Finally, with those words, my eyelids fell and my mind drifted off into a dreamless slumber.

* * *

><p>The sketch from that day, I misplaced. I could not find it anywhere and I was slightly devastated but I learned to let it go. I could do it again with a more updated version of Haruno Sakura.<p>

I have decided to paint pictures of her mother for Sarada. She seems to adore her mother more than anything which is why she happily accepts the drawings and paintings I give her.

I ran into Sakura on the training grounds I decided to visit today. The wind blew her hair back and she was still stunning as ever. Autumn was just around the corner. The sky and the trees were giving off hints. The sunset was beautiful enough to illuminate her figure just right. I was completely drawn into the void she was unconsciously pulling me into.

It dawned on me that my feelings for her will never go and will never change.

"You came here too, Sai?" she asked. Her voice was hoarse. She seemed rather choked. True enough, when I got a closer look, I could see that she _has_ been crying. I stared looking slightly heartbroken. This was _definitely_ Sasuke.

I wanted to go right there and embrace her. I wanted to tell her so many things but I held back. I bit my lip as soon as I decided to move. We were _both_ married. I had to restrain myself.

"I was just passing by," I said between gritted teeth, avoiding any direct eye contact. It didn't seem to be necessary, though. Her eyes looked at me and past me, looking at something and nothing at the same time. I sat beside her on the bench where she was.

For awhile we were silent. The silence was both comforting and unnerving. I wanted to talk to her, ask what was wrong despite the fact that I already had a pretty accurate idea. I wanted to hear it directly from her. I did not want to oblige her to answer, though. Besides, I'm not in the place to ask.

"Sarada really likes you, Sai," she finally spoke. She smiled but it was still rather a sad one. She looked at me with that smile and I felt my body move on its own. I wrapped my arms around her. She tensed for a moment.

"Whatever it is about Sarada or Sasuke or anything else," I said, "whatever it is, Sakura, don't smile like that because I know that smile is fake and it hurts seeing you like this."

She froze and I felt the warm tears flow from her eyes. Her face was buried in my shoulder. She clutched onto my arm and continued to cry. I held onto her with a firmer grip. It was deathly tight and filled with fear that if I let her go she would fall away and disappear forever. I loved her with every fiber of my being. I've only begun to realize and relive that today after more than a decade.

"You don't have to tell me what exactly is going on. Sharing this moment with you is enough. I just want to be here for you whenever you need it because you've always been there for me." She had not been directly involved with me but subconsciously, she affects my decisions. It is always her, the thought of her that gets me through the wrong turns I've made in my life. I do not regret meeting her, not anymore. I am thankful despite my life being lived for a wife I did not love like I loved her.

She spoke in broken sentences, "I lost it… I don't know how… I don't understand… why… I've been… Sasuke and Sarada… the stress they've been… that's why it… it died…"

"Sh… Just cry, I'll be staying right here."

"It was my f-fault… I wasn't careful… I let it…"

I gripped her tighter. "If it pains you to talk about it, don't talk at all. Let silence calm you down and let me ease your troubles even just a little."

"S-sai, I'm sorry for being l-like this…"

"This is much better than lying about your feelings."

* * *

><p>The sketch from that day, I realized how precious it was to me. All my emotions, the feelings my youthful self put into that piece of paper can never compare to how I feel now. There was a time when we were free, when I was happy with her, when we shared moments that we couldn't share with anyone else.<p>

Now, as I hold my paint brush in front of Sarada trying to think of a way to passionately paint her mother for her, my hands shake and I feel myself freeze.

I forgot the strokes I used to use. I mixed up the colors in my mind. Everything was in disarray. The only thing left was the distorted image of her mother's crying face. I can't paint her a picture of her mother crying. I couldn't seem to get it out of my mind. I grit my teeth. What am I going to do now? The kid is waiting. I needed to make her _something_.

After awhile, I gave up and sighed. I turned to her and said, "How about I paint you instead?"

"Eh? That would be no fun," she replied, "You always paint mom best. Sometimes I even wish she would have just married _you_ instead. You seem like you'll be a much better father than mine."

My hand twitched. "I wish that too," I said in a low voice, barely audible. She didn't seem to hear me though, so I stood up and stretched my arms. "Let's take a walk. I might be able to get something done afterwards."

She stood up too. "All right, make a pretty one, Sai~!"

"Also, you really shouldn't be talking about your father like that. He _is_ your father." Well, despite the fact that he is the most unsuitable man to be a father and husband. Still, I won't argue any further because these things cannot be undone anyway.

We both put n our shoes and then we were out of my residence. "Why not? He's just so—"

I sighed. We walked the streets of Konoha and I looked around, searching for any form of inspiration—_nothing_. "He's still your father, Sarada… and your mother loves him."

"Mom should have loved you instead," she complained, "I would've loved it if you were my dad. You'd paint me pictures of mom every day. You wouldn't hurt her how way dad does. I think it would be great!"

I did not reply to that. If I did, everything would fall apart. "That's sweet, Sarada," I said instead.

"You and mom are pretty close, right? You even draw her better than Ino-san~! That's saying something since she's your wife,"

"I've just had practice. I've been in the same team as your mom at around the time we were teenagers. We grew pretty close. Ask Naruto about it, he'd tell you stories more enthusiastically." We made a sharp turn. She followed me to the training grounds. I might get an idea from there.

"Your mom was a terrifying woman," I said half smiling, "I hope you don't turn out violent as she is."

"Mom isn't violent~!" She protested.

"I beg to differ. You don't know and it is best you never find out." I ruffled her hair. I looked up at the sky. This place hasn't changed a bit, really. I really like how it hasn't changed. I sat down under a tree. Afterwards, I lay down. I tried to feel my surroundings. I tried to capture how I was feeling back then. I tried to recall the images from back then. The tranquility would be enough to send me back to that time.

Sarada lay down beside me. "What are you doing, Sai?"

"I'm just trying to recall an image from my youth."

"Oh, okay," she replied, "Should I be quiet?"

"If you want to be,"

"Okay."

The clouds moved slowly. I watched them. I watched the wind blow the leaves from the trees. I felt the grass beneath me. It was itchy but I'm used to it. It was comforting. It brought back memories. It brought back a lot of wonderful memories.

"Hey Sai," she spoke after awhile.

"What is it?"

"How do you feel about mom?"

The question caught me off guard. What should I answer to the kid? I wouldn't tell her the truth. It would cause lots of problems. In the end, I kept quiet. I didn't say anything.

"It's just kinda weird how you paint her so well from memory. Do you like mom?"

"She's a close friend."

"It's okay. I won't tell dad. I like you, remember? I don't want dad to kill you."

"He can't kill me."

She laughed at that. "So you admit that you like mom?"

"I used to like her," that was half the truth, "but how can I still like her? I'm married now, remember?"

"No matter what you say, I know you're lying," she said, "But I don't really have any proof to say that you're telling the truth so I guess that's just that."

I closed my eyes. I remembered how she looked back then when she was watching Naruto train in the rain, when I gave her an umbrella. I remembered how she looked when she visited me in the library when I was reading a book about emotions. I remembered all the times we were just talking. It made my lips curl up into a smile.

I rose up into a sitting position. This half startled Sarada. I turned to her. "How about I draw you a picture of your mom in her youth?"

* * *

><p>The sketch from that day, I never found. I wondered where it was but I guess I'll never <em>ever<em> find it. Right now, though, I have to focus on the mission at hand. I entered the familiar Hokage's office. An energetic Boruto ran past me. He yelled a greeting I barely understood. The kid was really like his father.

"Yo, Sai~" Naruto smiled. He matured. He toned down and got a lot more responsible but he was still the same Naruto I met a long time ago.

"It's been a long time since a mission like this came, huh?" I smiled.

"It's gonna be a piece of cake for you," he smiled, "We've been in a state of peace for a long time, haven't we? I'm sure they're just low level ninjas. Actually, the request stated that it was just a couple of bandits. You can definitely handle those guys, right Sai?"

"I'll do my best," I replied. "Is there anyone else in this mission?"

"Do you want a medic just in case?"

"Well, that all depends on you, Lord Hokage."

"All right then," Naruto stood up and went outside to call a kunoichi, "Call Shikamaru, would you? Ask him if there are any medics available."

"Yes, Lord Hokage," said the kunoichi as she scurried off.

I watched him smile again. I was happy for my friend. He has finally reached his dream of becoming Hokage, one he's always wanted since even long before I met him. He has led a happy life with two children and a loving wife. He has managed to befriend the nine tails, everything about this man standing before me is absolutely phenomenal.

He seemed to have noticed me staring. He turned to me and held a softer expression. "Are you happy, Sai?"

I was a bit startled by the sudden question. Was I happy? I don't know. I've never really given it much thought. Maybe the fleeting moments I share with my son are when I consider myself happy or the moments I am with Sarada but I can't say I'm happy as a whole and after years of learning about emotions the hard way, I've come to realize that Naruto was, in fact, asking me if I was happy as a whole.

"I guess you can say I am. I have a wonderful son. He's easy to train and he's taking interest in art just like me—"

"You know that's not what I meant, Sai," his face grew sternly serious but afterwards softened again, "I know you, Sai, better than anyone."

"I don't know," I only told him half the truth again, just like years ago after the war. "I haven't really thought about it."

Then the soft expression softened into something that is a mix of concern and pity, only Naruto can truly and purely feel sympathetic even if he doesn't have to. I don't really mind not being happy. I'm not depressed in any way. I'm just shrouded by the cloud of indifference I drench myself in.

"You made the wrong choices, Sai," he said, "I was actually surprised when I heard you and Ino were getting married. It all went downhill from there, didn't it, Sai?"

I looked at him quizzically. What was he getting to? Why bring this up _now_ of all times?

"Actually, I think it was from the time Sakura and Sasuke announced that they were getting married."

"What do you mean?"

"Since then, I haven't seen you paint anything other than cherry blossoms."

My eyes grew wide at this statement and I realized that what he said was true. All the longing I felt, everything I wanted but could not _ever_ have came crashing down on me at full force. This was reality's response to my desire. Despite painting my wife or my son or anything else, I realized that every painting I painted since then had a cherry blossom somewhere.

I couldn't help but smirk. He struck a nerve there. This guy was good, he really was. "What's the point of talking about this now, exactly?"

"I don't know," he said, "I just feel like if we don't talk about this now, we won't be able to talk about it ever again."

"Well, everything be damned, I don't care. I messed up my own life, anyway," I replied, "This was my fault. I tried to convince myself that I could love my wife eventually but I couldn't. Still, she's a pretty good wife. She can cook to some extent, she's responsible enough and she's independent, not weak. I think that despite everything, I wouldn't say I'm miserable."

"That's because you've gone numb."

"I have, haven't I?" I smiled.

This was the moment that Shikamaru-san came in the room and reported that there were no medics available for this mission. It's not like I minded, though. They were just a couple of bandits. I can go alone.

* * *

><p>I regret nothing.<p>

I don't regret how I can barely move or how much pain is gushing through my body right now.

I don't regret how my vision was failing and how everything was getting hazy.

I don't regret how heavy my hand is when I try to lift it as I try to shield my eyes from the sunlight.

I don't regret how my whole body is still dripping with blood or how my lungs were gasping for air.

My only regret was that I let him get away, a high rank shinobi with the intention of disrupting the balance of peace within the villages. Still, I know their bond is strong and that the peace established would not fall apart so easily. It's only a matter of time before Naruto defeats him on his own.

It was true that I've gone numb. Even now, I did not care that I was on the verge of death. Even now, as I struggled to speak a single word, I did not care if I were to die all alone.

I smiled a broken smile, such was my cruel fate.

And like some sick joke, I reached for my left pant pocket and found something I've been looking for, for awhile. I temporarily regained full consciousness as I unfolded the piece of paper to see what it was.

It was the sketch from that day with creases, yellowed, had marks of being wet and dried with water and was now half covered in blood. It was only then did I realize that I started crying. I realized I did not want to die—_not yet_.

Still, it was inevitable and from some sick impulse, I pushed myself up and crawled over to where my scroll lay meters away from me leaving a trail of blood behind. I would not let myself waver. I could not die until this message is delivered.

Finally, my bloody hand reached the scroll and it was suddenly filled with energy. I screamed and cried as I violently slashed at the scroll with my bloody hands. _More, it needed more feeling_.

The sketch from that day lay beside the scroll and was slowly being drenched in my blood and tears. After a moment that seemed like forever, I stopped and stared at my work and I smiled.

"_This is enough."_

And as I clutched the sketch from that day, I took one last glace at my bloody painting of her daughter's smiling face and I fell into oblivion.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Naruto ending made me feel like I was **_**really**_** getting old. The ships devastated me, though – except NaruHina, that is.**

**I was a SaiSaku shipper, obviously, but I've accepted SasuSaku a long time ago despite my seething rage towards Sasuke that hasn't been put out until now. Still, I just can't accept the SaiIno. There wasn't any build up AT ALL. Kishi just showed us that Ino had a huge thing for Sai and Sai didn't seem to be the type to be in any way remotely interested in **_**any girl**_** at all. It just didn't seem realistic.**

**Anyway, I hope you liked it. Reviews are much appreciated~! Thank you very much~!**


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